" The box. The door. The crumbling bricks. It begged me to enter." This was the dare that could change my life. I've heard rumors about this house, the house with the creature not know to man, the house that if you went in you never came back out. I opened the door. It made the creaking noise out of every horror movie. The pale carpet had stains of red. Suddenly the door slammed shut behind me, I was trapped. " I have to get out of here" I whispered. A door crept open behind me with the sound of nails scrapped across a blackboard. I didn't want to look but i had to. There it was, the creature from all the rumors. It had razor sharp claws coated wit red, decayed jaws and ragged clothes that looked decades old. I was cornered and the thing was closing in on me. As it came close it started to drag it's claws against the pale wall. Was this it, my life over from a dare...
1. Use more description in my writing.
2. Focus more on hooking the reader in. "Alligator" I whispered, "No log" said Josh. I threw a rock at the mysterious thing, "log" hissed Josh, "no alligator" I shouted. I poked the thing with a stick, "it's an alligator" I insisted, "no it's a log" Josh shouted. I leaped onto thing, "maybe your..." In a split second the alligator snapped his head at me and dragged me under they grey water. "Alligator" said Josh "log" said Cam. TENT DESCRIPTION
BY JUDE The wind smashes the tent like a whip. I start going outside but I stumble over a rock and go straight into a pit of powdery snow. I shout but no one hears me, I remember I’m all out here alone no one knows I’m here and they won’t if I don’t get out of here. I stop panicking and think, I can see the top of the powdery hole but I don’t think I can get to the top. Suddenly a life saving idea hits me, I can dig through the powder snow until I get to the hard snow then with my knife I can dig handholds to climb up out of the deadly hole. Suddenly out of nowhere a huge rock fell onto my arm. Wait haven’t I seen this out of a movie. Oh yeah 127 hours but doesn’t the guy have to cut off his arm, but I think I could slip this rock off If I tried hard enough but it’s wedged down. I’m stuck. Suddenly a frightful thought creeps into my mind. It was just there for a second but I saw every detail like I stared at It for an hour. It was of me, not moving, a thin layer of ice all over me, the rock still on my arm. Quickly I pushed the thought out of my head. I have to get out of here now... Spotlight
3,2,1 the best camp game there is has begun. Already I hear people shouting spotlight. My head is buzzing on where to but before I can make my mind up my friends ask me to come with them. We start heading up the side of the hill but suddenly out of nowhere a light flashes near me. I dive to the ground. The light dashes away so I look up and see that my friends have gone. They must have sprinted off when they saw the light. I was on my own but that didn’t mean I was going to give up! I started to army crawl up the huge hill, centimetre by painful centimetre. Suddenly I heard a loud voice say five minutes. Oh no I wasn’t going to make it I wasn’t even half way and i didn’t even know where the top was. all I knew was that it was at the top. So thats where I started to go. suddenly for no reason I started to sprint to the top but the out of nowhere a huge light shone on me. “Spotlight”, they shrieked at me. As I handed over my lifeline I begun to wonder who had made it. As I slumped to the top I saw what looked like a wooden fortress. I guess that must be it. I sprinted up the hill as I heard some people say two minutes. I made it up to the top before the time had ran out even though I didn’t make it with my lifeline. Suddenly Miss Smart shouted out “times up, everyone go to the bottom!” I ran to the bottom thinking that spotlight is the best game ever! Which it is. |
AuthorHi I'm Jude and I play Rugby for Zingari Rugby club I am also at Balmacewen Intermediate Archives
August 2014
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